Once you have developed a good sense of centering your life on the positive emotions of appreciation, gratitude, caring, loving, contentment, calmness and peace you probably notice that people around you are also more positive. You may experience yourself as a beacon of positive heart light energy that seems to spread organically outward. When you are in heart coherence there are fewer obstacles. Without giving it more thought, your life flows more freely as do your relationships.
Nanette has had a very difficult time with a very self-centered mother. She struggled over the years thinking that if she just pleased her mother enough she would finally get the love that she was so desperately seeking. But this has not happened no matter how hard she tried.
She had just learned the heart-centered meditation. This meditation is based on research done by the Heart Math Institute on heart coherence. The first step is to establish a breath pattern of 4 or 5 counts in and 4 or 5 counts out. The second step, while continuing this breath pattern, is to focus on the center heart. The third is to recall an experience or imagine one that makes you feel good. The fourth step is to express a deep sense of appreciation or gratitude for this experience.
Remembering the wonderful times she and her family had at Thanksgiving dinners, she thought of a particular picture of her whole family. Her mother was included along with her husband, children and grand children. She felt wonderful, which immediately changed her never good enough feeling, to one of deep love for her whole family.
The next day she was taking her mother for their monthly hair, nail and pedicure appointment. This was always an ordeal because her mother was never satisfied and always complained. This time however it was radically different. Nanette greeted her mother pleasantly when she picked her up. She told her mother, “We are not going to discuss the tip I gave the hair dresser.” What had happened before in a previous appointment, Nanette rounded up the amount that her mother was paying the girl to the nearest dollar amount, which meant that her mother paid a few pennies more for a tip than was necessary. Since that incident her mother had berated her, every time they went for their hair appointments. Now Nanette had had enough and was finally brave enough to make a clear boundary.
Her mother seemed to respect Nanette’s request and the trip proceeded pleasantly. In fact the whole experience with her mother that day, which included their usual lunch afterward, went better than ever. When she dropped her mother off, her mother hugged her and said, “I love you.” Nanette was astounded. She told me later that she could count on the fingers of one hand and have some left over for the number of times that her mother had not only hugged her but also told her that she loved her. Nanette attributed the success of the day to the internal shift in her feelings and her new found courage to set good boundaries, which helped her feel love for her mother.
Lucy, age 7, was having a melt down. The popcorn bowl had fallen. The popcorn that she had been sharing with her brother was all over the floor. Their father told them both to pick it all up and not fight about whose fault it was. “Work together you two!”
Her meltdown came because her brother kept accusing her of spilling it. “It’s your fault,” he taunted over and over. As she ran to her mother the flood of tears came quickly as did the waterfall of words. She wanted her mom to understand the truth.
When mom said quietly, “We’ll get through this. I am here to help you. I love you and we’ll do it together.” The tears stopped. Her red face cleared and Lucy smiled. She knew mom was in her corner and that she was loved.